My Embraced Sexuality (Without The Sex) | Guest Blog by: chantalkslife

by blogofavattwentythree

Hi again!

One of the main reasons I’ve gotten into blogging is because of two glorious women who inspired me to write about my life in blog form. One of those ladies is my girl Chantal. She let me write a guest post on her blog a month (ish) ago (which is here), and I’m so excited that she is returning the favor and writing a guest post on my blog. She’s a fantastic writer and just a wonderful human being. In her blog, she details how she embraced sexuality while still being a virgin, and also her experiences starting from when she was young up until after she graduated college. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did 🙂 – R.


Welcome to a post about unlearning virginity and what it’s been like to explore sexuality…without the sex. For most of my life, I’ve had the idea stomped into my brain that anything sexual is supposed to be private. I know that I was meant to reject these ideas, and knowing that my mother would have a fit reading this makes it all the more fun to write.

Throughout my lifetime, as many have, I’ve gone through learning how virginity and one’s identity correlate. In 4th grade, we learned about periods and pregnancy by way of graphic worksheets. On the bus ride home, the boys and girls giggled as our eyes roamed and our innocent brains wondered. In 6th grade, little plastic bracelets with a variety of neon colors were trendy to wear because of the sexual implications behind them. Some colors meant oral sex and other various acts, but the ultimate, black, meant going all the way. Whatever the hell that meant at 11 years old.

Sex and sexuality was something I was always super aware of. From the flash of Janet Jackson’s breast during the 2004 Super Bowl Halftime Show to the X Rated TV movies that I’d never see because of Parental Control, I knew it was there. I wondered about girls and boys and sex all the time. I was exploring and discovering at such a young age–yes, I mean masturbation. And before long, I’d be taught it was wrong.

I hate what “virginity” is because of how it can control women. Not that men don’t suffer from the negative stigma, but virginity is a concept that was created to separate, control, and categorize us. One that was also created to instate a hierarchy between the two sexes. Our worth is determined by whether we’ve had vaginal contact with a penis. Crazy, right? Let’s also mention how heteronormative the idea of virginity is. I remember believing men and women could only lose their virginity in the penetrative sense. Boy and girl. Dassit. It was the only idea of sex I had access to.

I’m grateful to the internet for changing my views of sex. Porn is not real, but yet we look to it as the norm. The film Don Jon starring the panty dropping Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays a dude that’s obsessed with porn and can’t find himself enjoying the real thing. To Don, sex has always been a big fantasy, and nothing can be better than what’s behind the screen. He eventually finds a woman who helps him see that sex can be messy, intense, passionate, delightful, and most importantly real. I’m almost certain that my first time will be overwhelmingly short and my tits won’t sit that high and while I hope I won’t have to fake an orgasm, I most likely won’t have one. But in the end, I want it to be real.

In high school, I used to tell myself I wanted to “wait until marriage” to have sex. At the time, there were absolutely no suitors interested, so I’m not sure why I made such a bold statement. I was part of an online abstinence group for teens and we promoted being “clean.” Looking back, this time wasn’t exactly genuine because while I did care about mentoring fellow youth, I was more excited about the growing numbers of our following. We had a ton of young people hanging on to every word and the possible opportunities were thrilling to think about. Fortunately for all of us “founding members,” the group disbanded. My bestie and co-founder would start having sex and I was few years shy of realizing I was a feminist. Our mission, while honorable at heart, couldn’t have stayed with us for long. I didn’t want my legacy being someone who shamed young people for having sex, especially girls.

In college, I continued to be a Single Virgin. Whilst hooking up was happening all around me, my wifi connection was all I needed. I survived college without a relationship or any sexual adventures. Some of you might be foaming at the mouth over the idea, but it truly wasn’t a bad experience. In fact, they were some of the greatest years of my life up to date. I enjoyed myself and lived through friends’ active sex lives. I knew it wasn’t my time for all that, but found myself full of wonder as I listened to stories I couldn’t possibly fathom happening to me. Oh yes, and more masturbation. *cue liberating female empowerment anthem*

Now in my early twenties, you might be wondering where my head is now? The 13 year old masturbator turned Clean Teen turned…well, what am I now? I’m still a virgin, which has nothing to do with my personality or self-worth or whether I’m a good human being. I’m not choosing to be a virgin for any personal beliefs. I do eventually want to have sex. And to be honest, soon. I enjoy feeling sexy without the help of anyone else, but am intrigued to find out what that experience is like. I refuse to believe it will make me more or less special after it’s done, but I won’t shame myself for the act of doing it. At the end of the day, I’m just an average girl with a vagina and hormones. A girl who just hasn’t fucked anyone yet, and that’s that.

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